The Norris co-rec soccer squad is somehow pretty good
In order to lose 12-0 in a 40-minute soccer match, a team must concede a goal every 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Considering it usually takes 30 seconds to get the ball from the goal and restart the game, I estimate there would be a full 6 minutes spent just retrieving the ball. That means Team TBD had 34 minutes of open play to score 12 goals on the Norris co-rec team. That doesn't seem physically possible. Yet it happened."
They weren't even rubbing it in," says Cool Mike, who played the whole match. "They were trying to play regularly, but we were playing with no defenders in the center, so they just got to walk the ball into the net."
But that 12-0 loss isn't even the craziest thing about this Norris co-rec squad. Despite having the worst goal difference of any team in the league (-9), Norris is now in 12th place out of 39 co-rec teams. They are considerably above average, comfortably knocking off two mid-level teams and scoring six goals in the process. It's a truly remarkable turnaround. 0-12, 3-1, 3-2. Find me another soccer team with a string of three games like that.
After losing 12-0, the team went on a massive Barcelona-esque buying spree. The team was originally assembled from the multitude of employees at the Norris Center. Although they had soccer experience, clearly something wasn't working after the first game. The front office, led by team captain Ania H, has acquired at least 8 new players, with more surely on the way. Norris has infused rugby players, cross-country runners and other ex-soccer veterans that have turned the ship around completely. With real soccer talent rotating through the field, the team is now unquestionably good. With three games remaining, it's only a matter of how high Norris can rise.
There's a "Theseus Ship" paradox with this soccer team. For the unfamiliar, the riddle of Theseus' ship goes as follows: "Theseus owned a ship made of wood. Every time a piece of the ship needed replacing it was replaced with a new piece of wood. Eventually, the entire ship was made of new pieces of wood. Is it still the same ship?"If the key components of the Norris team that lost 12-0 have been infused with so much new talent, can Norris even be considered the same soccer team? After its last match, a Norris employee noted that only 5-10 percent of the minutes were being played by actual Norris employees who started the team in the first place. On one hand, of course, this is the same soccer team that lost 12–0—the results on NUIM aren't changing and Norris isn't forfeiting anything. Yet it's an interesting question philosophically. There are plenty of teams that make huge turnarounds. Managers say their players are "playing like a new team" all the time, but that's merely a figure of speech. This Norris team is literally a brand-new team.
You can't really complain about Norris' brilliant refit. It's co-rec IM soccer, after all. The team atmosphere of these games remains relaxed and cordial. Norris still barely tries on defense, having conceded a solid 15 goals in three games, but you can't argue with the results. None of it matters, everything's fun, and it's considerably less dramatic/testosterone-heavy/pressure-filled as the White and Purple leagues.
Despite the sport being about as minor as sports get, that doesn't mean we can't take some fundamental meaning out of the experience. Even in intramural soccer games, some basic truths about sports can emerge.
Playing defense is annoying and no fun.
When you are losing, sometimes the best way to win is to simply buy/convince the best players to play for you. This is something that isn't stressed enough. We laud Russell Westbrook for staying in OKC to create his own legend while Kevin Durant makes the wrong decision to play for Golden State. We mock Manchester City, Barcelona and Real Madrid for spending millions to buy the best players. People root for underdogs, homegrown talent, and success stories. But seriously, the best and most efficient way to win sporting events is to buy the best players. Just ask Ania.
Every single sports prognosticator and athlete is vulnerable to all sorts of biases. After something as catastrophic as a 12-0 loss, one might expect Norris to continue losing all of its games. But that just isn't how sports works. The Gambler's Fallacy--expecting Norris to a ridiculous number of goals because it happened in an incredibly short period of time--is in full effect. Even before the second game, after having added a cast of new players, the Norris team itself was still wary of their chances to win before the match. Why do we do this? There is no mystical law that states Norris must lose. They won the game 3-1.
"Boys freak out whenever they are about to hit a girl in any sporting contest. I just run straight at them because they're terrified to collide with me. It's so easy playing defense or stealing the ball from them." [I borrowed/paraphrased this from a player in the last game..]
Norris plays tonight against Bienen Got Back. Who knows what'll happen?
