An Incomplete List of Potential Athletic Directors for Northwestern University
Presented below is a shortlist of candidates to succeed Jim Phillips as Athletic Director of Northwestern University.
Amy Klobuchar
A Chicago Tribune Newspaper from 1998
Justice John Paul Stevens
Rod Blagojevich
A Wet Portillos Big Beef (w/sweet peppers)
McHenry County
The Prophesized Third Daley
That Pablo Picasso Statue
Nick Freundt
Gary Barnett
Gendo Ikari
Anucha Browne Sanders
A Worn Copy of Infinite Jest
A Frozen Tamale
A Lock of Abraham Lincoln’s Hair
A Lock of Joseph Medill’s Hair
The PBS News Hour
A Guy Who Pronounces Sausage “SEAH-sudge”
Prospective Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg
A Principled Republican (Mitt Romney will do, but Susan Collins would be better)
4 McKinsey Guys in One Brooks Brothers Suit Jacket
The Same 4 McKinsey Guys But Now They Have Mustaches
Arsene Wenger
Former Secretary Of Transportation Norman Mineta
Kunle Patrick
An Uno’s Deep Dish Pizza, But The Chain Store Kind, Not The Good Restaurant Downtown
A Chicago Style Hot Dog That Fell On The Ground
Emmanuel Macron
Lindsey Pulliam
The Last of the Hapsburgs
Elizabeth Holmes
50 Free InMails from LinkedIn
Jude Law
The French Fry Box from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
A Printing Press
Herm Edwards
That Guy Who Runs TheMaven
David Foster Wallace
A Bag of Trader Joe’s $3 Frozen Garlic Naan
Rex Tillerson
Doug Jones
GRAVEDIGGER
Peter Francis Geraci
The Estate Tax
Oliver Purnell
Those 4 McKinsey Guys But They’re Making a Podcast About Crypto
A Tasteful End Table
Arm & Hammer Laundry Detergent
A Guy Who Has Opinions On The Right Temperature To Brew Tea
Guy Who Yells at Denny’s Wait Staff
Joe Pesci
A Brita Filter
The Qianlong Emperor
Kevin Plank
Butch Jones
Lindsay Munday
Mick McCall
