Penalty kicks are the worst thing in sports not named Dan Dakich.
(Note: All events in this story have been heavily dramatized, ad-libbed, retconned, rewritten and possibly fabricated by myself for comedic purposes.) “De coniuratione cursores” – The secret history of the Northwestern Track Club, and its many mortal enemies. Prologue: Priorities Palma, Spain – July 25, 1987 The president of Northwestern University, Arnold R. Weber, sat […]
I have never been to Sauk Valley Community College and I have no clue what to expect in this meet. I decided to write a preview regardless, because that’s what competent sportswriters do. When we don’t know, we make something up and try to pass it off as legitimate. This is how Skip Bayless made […]
The forces of systemic stupidity, like some demented pack of hounds chasing after a hunk of inexplicably mobile meat, refused to let me finish my marathon in peace. There were too many mistakes. In a race like the marathon, where, like the Challenger disaster, one mistake can mean the difference between success and a dreaded “did not finish”, the sheer vastness of my errors were coming back to haunt me.
If you recall, I was huddled at the 30km mark, desperately trying to inject life into my cramping body through Powerade, bananas, and water. I had not eaten enough food. I had not gotten enough sleep. I had not paced the race whatsoever. My legs were cramping, I had lost a large amount of useful minerals, and my mind was exhausted. But there was a silver lining. Well, more like a golden nugget that I had systematically panned from the depths of a river. I had finished three-quarters of the marathon. I had, by my estimation, less than an hour remaining.
After a few days off for athletes (and writers), we’re back with more semi-knowledgable comments about Olympic Trials. STEEPLECHASE – THE ONLY CHASE YOU NEED! Ah, it’s time to recap the finals of my favorite event, the 3000m steeplechase. There’s just something heart-palpitating about the sight of 14-16 runners trying to jump over a pool […]