Tyra Buss dot com is the best website on the Internet

You lack vision.

For those who don’t know, Tyra Buss is a starting guard for the University of Indiana. She’s actually really good at basketball, and most likely better at dribbling than I will be at anything. But that’s not all! She has a website! It’s a bona fide fansite, run by one of her thousands of fans.

In addition to informing you on the many, many, many accomplishments of Indiana women’s basketball player Tyra Buss, TyraBuss.com will show you the Middle Path. It will show you the way to Enlightenment In a world of fake news, TyraBuss.com is the only thing you should believe.

Tyra Buss has never gotten a grade below an “A” in her life.

The design is fully homemade, straight from the raw HTML files of the late 1990s. This is, without a doubt, the most modern website on the Internet today. In the tradition of the late 1990s (aka, the greatest period in American history, because that’s where Tyra gets her inspiration), the website has a guestbook that you can sign and does not fit into a standard computer window (only the greats can scroll horizontally). Tracey Flick looks up to Tyra Buss.

What has Tyra Buss done that you haven’t done? Just about everything. While I was writing this article, Tyra Buss scored 14 points in the first half against Purdue. You know, just Tyra Buss things. She also did this while I was writing:

When the wheels on the Buss are just too round:

Actually, Purdue won the game. Tyra Buss tackled someone and got called for a dumb offensive foul at the end. But, um, it’s fine.

You think you can play basketball? You think you can play tennis? Tyra Buss has never lost a regular season tennis match. Does it matter that her high school was in the smaller 3A division for most Illinois sports? No. It does not.

You, the unidentifiable Internet Neanderthal, think you can run a website featuring your own accomplishments? You, the Purdue fan, the Boilermaker, the Neil Armstrong Appreciator, cannot best Tyra.

So you think you can run cross-country?

Tristan Jung attempts to run.

Tyra Buss has you beat.

 

You think can golf bruh?

Ben Goren plays golf.

No, according to her website, Tyra Buss excels at ALL SPORTS AND ACADEMICS.

That means golf too, Mr. Goren. Head back to the links. You cannot defeat Tyra Buss.

And as for basketball…

You lose, Ian.

Tyra Buss cannot be stopped. Adversity only makes her stronger. Tyra Buss is the all-time Illinois women’s basketball leading scorer…by 800 points. She’s scored the second-most points all-time in U.S. women’s high school basketball. She is also the Illinois single-season scoring leader.

She took a lot of shots in high school. Of course she did. She also took a lot of foul shots, because there’s nothing Tyra Buss is better at than drawing contact and getting fouls. She has 300 more foul shots than anyone in the history of Illinois Women’s Basketball. She is not on the list of most assists, shockingly. They must’ve counted the stats incorrectly.

Here’s just a full list, thanks to Tyrabuss.com:

As you can see, if you have dreamt of doing anything in your life, you should just quit. You can’t keep up with Tyra, the genius, the basketball savant who isn’t a savant because all her other qualities are flawless. You can’t stop her. There’s nothing you can do. She’s even better than you at Madden:

From The Indianapolis Star

That’s right, Tyra Buss tripped on a hurdle during a 300 meter race and still made state qualifiers. She just wanted to make it fair for everyone else. That’s right, Tyra Buss could be an NFL punter and kicker if she wanted to. She could take charges from any NBA guard. She “doesn’t even have the right racket”, and she could still be a Grand Slam champion.

Tyra Buss doesn’t lose. She lets you win, just to make you feel better, just to make you think you have some purpose in the world. You’re wrong, of course. Tyra Buss dot com proves you are nothing compared to the unstoppable radiance of Buss.

Does it sound like bad fanfiction? Yes. Is it true? Absolutely. Are you anything? No.

Admit it, you have been humbled. Grovel at the feet of Tyra Buss dot com. GROVEL DAMMIT!

 

 

 

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