There was a moment in tonight’s game in which the player known as “The Baller” tried to pass the ball up the court after a steal. The opposing team stuffed him with the ball still in his hands, ripped the ball away and scored an easy fastbreak layup. That play was a microcosm of the entire game for the ZetaZigaZama Ball is Life Basketball team. In front of a roaring crowd of seven people, the team lost 51-22 to Sigma Chi White in a downright embarrassing performance on Monday night.
ZetaZigaZama was pitiful. ZZZBB went down 12-0 early in the game due to several awful turnovers and never recovered. Even when Sigma Chi White had four players on the court due to foul trouble for most of the second half, the ZZZBB team gave up even more points than when Sigma Chi White had a full roster. It was a no-holds-barred destruction of the upstarts from Sargent, and the ZZZBB team may never recover from this devastating loss.
“That was not good,” Tristan, self-proclaimed media wizard, said after the game. “But you know, every game in the Northwestern Intramural White League is a tough game. These are tough basketball teams. It’s a tough conference filled with amateurs and freshmen. These teams come out to play every time.”
The team certainly struggled without the calming influence of its second-best player Albert, who was forced to miss the game with a midterm injury to his brain. The ZetaZigaZama team was unable to adapt to the fullcourt press and tough defense from the Sigma Chi White team. Sigma Chi repeatedly trapped “The Captain” with the ball and he failed to make any headway. Meanwhile, a cold half from The Baller and little offensive presence Spiderman left ZZZBB with no scoring options.
“We have to play better,” said Spiderman.
ZZZBB matched its offensive ineptitude with some staggeringly bad defensive work. The defense played as if five Nathan Taphorns were put on a basketball team and then blindfolded. Nobody guarded Sigma Chi on outlet passes. Nobody was able to stop them from going to the basket. The only thing ZZZBB was able to do was contest three-pointers. Sigma Chi dominated the offensive glass and probably would have won by more if they had not gotten into foul trouble from the start of the game.
“You know, I just think God was on their side,” said The Curler sarcastically.
The Curler actually had a decent game with 6 points and good shooting from the floor. Unfortunately, he will miss the next game with US Curling Nationals in Jacksonville, Florida. Yes, they have curling nationals in Jacksonville!
The team’s new additions and role players did little to help the cause. Rahim the Dream was brought in to jumpstart the offense and started in place of Albert, but Rahim scored zero points as his shooting was terrible. Another new player, Arturo “The Shark”, failed to deliver any Jaws-like potency to ZZZBB’s attack. He also scored zero points and missed some easy shots. Tristan did little off the bench and was a turnover machine, although he managed to score a point on a semi-miraculous free throw attempt.
“I really think I should be applauded for that free throw,” said Tristan. “I’m usually a 10 percent free throw shooter when there’s no pressure and I’m just shooting around, so making it on a 1-and-1 in the game is absurd.”
Things will not get any easier next week as ZZZBB faces Delt Gold, which has won both of its previous two games by over 40 points. ZZZBB will almost certainly lose its next game, leaving a showdown with ZBT 1 in Week 4.
Maybe things can get better. If the team limits its turnovers and plays more energetic defense, it can probably be halfway decent like the first game. If not, ZZZBB could lose by 60 points to Delt Gold. I’m serious.
“We gotta execute better,” said Tristan. “We gotta fight.”
ZZZBB’s first problem is its transition defense. ZZZBB actually had a sizable height advantage in this game but failed to take advantage of it because of its defensive problems on the fast break. The transition defense just got lazy in the second half as the game got out of reach. ZZZBB actually looked competent in halfcourt sets. Offensively, ZZZBB probably should never try for transition baskets as it did not work at all in this game. The halfcourt sets were arguably even worse and led to more turnovers. Frankly, the offense from this game was terrible and any memory of it should be buried in an underground freezer and left to rot.
Wow, this was a bad game.
Sigma Chi White: 51
ZetaZigaZama Ball is Life: 22
- The ZZZBB team actually had supporters, I’m not joking at all about that. Props to them for watching most of the game.
- Albert will hopefully be back for the next game.
- Charles scored zero points again!!! Despite playing the entire first game and much of the second, Charles has zero points on the season.
- There was a moment in which Tristan got the ball after Sig Chi scored and just threw it in bounds back to the referee, expecting to be given the ball back. Of course, the ball is actually live in this situation, so the other team picked the ball up and tried to score. Somehow Sigma Chi missed a wide-open layup but they eventually scored. I’d like to point out Tristan watches like, 20 hours of college basketball per week because he covers it as his side job at InsideNU, and he didn’t know it was a live ball. In his defense, he ran 10.5 miles before the game and nearly froze his arms off. He must have frozen his brain as well.
- I hate writing about myself in third person.
- There was another moment in which the Shark had a wide-open layup and threw it over the basket.
- The Curler was probably the player of the game. He also had one of the best flops you’ll ever see on a basketball court after receiving an inbounds pass in the second half.
- Are there reinforcements on the way? Will ZZZBB lose by less than 50? Find out next time at Forget the Protocol!